Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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