There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
