Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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