they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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