I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
