saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
