I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
