No stitches, just platelets and will power
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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