Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
