Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
