No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
