you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
