God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
