just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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