I puked a lego.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
