seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
