Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
