isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
