Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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