I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
