he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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