we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
