I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
