seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
