The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
