So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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