So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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