my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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