I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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