it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
