I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
