Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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