I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
