we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
