So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
