I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
