I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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