my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
