I want to have your abortion
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
