just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
