He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
