When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
