Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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