When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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