He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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