no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
