i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
