apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
