my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
