I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
