Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
