I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
